Do you want to restore your sense of accomplishment?
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Introduction
In our 20s and 30s, you develop discipline, systems and habits. You make money.
As you develop your career and age into your 40s and 50s, you change.
You journey to a productivity and performance frontier.
Your systems and habits and the expertise you learn, help you progress professionally.
But eventually you become unhappy.
Why?
In this essay, we explore why we become unhappy in our 40s and beyond and how to achieve happiness again.
The drive to discipline
In our 20s and 30s, you benefited from discipline, training, systems and habits.
It’s 10:05. I got on a train at the last minute. Arrived at the campus 5’ after the lecture started. Another 5’ walk to the software engineering building. A lecture from a visiting professor of computer science. I really wanted to hear his talk after having read his best-selling book on the future of AI. I sprint up the steps to the lecture hall and tear something in my back. The rest of the day is a blur of pain. The rest of the next 2 weeks is a journey of back pain, pain killers, unable to sleep, alternating between being flat on my back and trying to find a position with less pain. This was a decisive moment in my life and the life of my core. I resolved to strengthen my core. Never again.
A month later, I become a person who does not have back pain, does not have knee pain.
I become an insanely disciplined person.
In our 20s and 30s, you drive towards your goals. You drive to a frontier of productivity and high output. Only you don’t know that it will be a frontier with a border. Your output increases as you learn what works and what doesn’t. You adopt habits that work for you.
Neuroscience shows that habits create efficiency in behavior by automating routine tasks, conserving mental energy, and reinforcing productivity through reward systems.
The Habit Loop: The brain has a three-part structure—cue, routine, and reward—that forms the backbone of habit formation. The basal ganglia, a brain region involved in motor control and decision-making, plays a critical role in automating routines that are triggered by specific cues. Once habits are formed, they allow individuals to operate on "autopilot," reducing the cognitive load required to perform routine tasks, thus freeing up mental energy for more complex or creative work.
Dopamine and Motivation: Dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure, is released during the habit loop's reward phase. This release reinforces behaviors by creating a positive feedback loop, motivating individuals to repeat the behavior. Neuroscientific studies show that even the anticipation of a reward can trigger dopamine release, helping to sustain productivity by driving a person to complete tasks in expectation of positive outcomes.
Neural Plasticity and Repetition: Habit formation is tied to neural plasticity, the brain's ability to rewire itself through repetition. Neuroscientific research has demonstrated that repeated behaviors strengthen specific neural pathways, making those behaviors more automatic over time. This efficiency leads to greater consistency in productivity, as tasks become easier to initiate and complete with less mental effort.
Prefrontal Cortex and Self-Control: The prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive function and decision-making, plays a key role in habit disruption and self-control. Neuroscience has shown that while habits form in the basal ganglia, the prefrontal cortex helps regulate whether a habit continues or is interrupted. Through training and mindfulness, individuals can strengthen their ability to override unproductive habits and replace them with more beneficial ones, sustaining productivity in the long term.
Stress and Habit Reliance: Under stress or fatigue, the brain tends to rely more heavily on habits because they require less conscious effort. Neuroscience research suggests that during high-pressure situations, the brain defaults to ingrained habits, allowing people to maintain productivity without needing to expend additional cognitive resources on decision-making. This can be beneficial when the habits are positive but problematic if the habits are counterproductive.
Making money
The time to be a really serious communist is when you’re 28.
We’ve been living on the commune for 7 years now. 7 years ago, we joined with 2 children. Now we have 6.
The freedom and mountain air is great for us. But, the exhilaration of freedom of fleeing from the establishment is becoming less attractive day by day.
The commune is struggling economically and it’s taking a toll on everyone. There is a bond between social strength and economic strength in any society. The commune is a closed society with its own codes and culture. Work to the best of your ability and get what you need. But no more than what you need. The commune is not based on the concept of conspicuous consumption. It’s a culture of collaboration not a culture of consumption. But lately it’s become subsistence level. We’re now budgeting bus tickets to travel into the neighboring town. A family gets 4 bus tickets a month.
The unbreakable link between social and economics is stronger than ever. The commune struggles to sustain cash for the day-to-day. The less cash we have for the day-to-day the less people care about one another. The more people start eyeing individual behavior through a microscope. This woman is getting out of work by pretending to have issues with her elbow. Within hours, she becomes “the woman with the elbow”. Name-calling replaces neighbor-calling. As the social bonds unravel, the economic bonds unravel even more and the struggle for economic survival gets even harder.
I am elected by the commune to be the business manager. It’s an impossible task and a thankless job as I decide with the commune member in charge of the books to tighten the belts even more and allocate less bus tickets to the big city.
Friends stop being friends.
A year later, the commune assembly kicked me out of the job.
3 months later, we leave the commune with 6 children in tow and restart our lives.
As you develop your career and move into your 40s and 50s, you change.
You arrive at a productivity and performance frontier.
Your systems, habits and the expertise you acquire help you progress professionally.
You make better decisions and make better money.
Your career path as an employee, manager, independent contractor or entrepreneur grows.
You have failures and success personally and professionally.
The twisty, turny path of your career moves forward.
People remember you for your failures not your successes
Five years later. We’re sitting in his living room drinking black coffee. Big house in the middle of the most expensive neighborhood in town. House is full of memorabilia from his stint in Iran doing big construction projects for the Shah.
Pre-Hommeni. Pre-Hammas. Pre-houthi.
We’re sitting in his living room reminiscing about the days he came back from Iran with money and started an up-start charter airline. How he hired the software house in the commune to develop the airline reservation systems for them.
How he was put out of business by the big incumbent airlines and the government regulators working in cahoots with his competitors.
How the commune would never see the money he owed them after he shut down his up-start charter airline and fled to Germany.
Danny, he said, “You taught me something important. All software developers are liars. You guys were amazing. You developed a crazy online airline reservations system and were a big part of our success.
But the mother-fuckers put us out of business. And now, I’ll give you a present.
Write this on the back of your hand: People remember your failures not your successes”.
In your 20s and 30s you want more and need less.
In your 40s and 50s you have more and want less.
In your 20s and 30s you can do anything you want. You change jobs every year or two and move up the mountain trail to make more money.
Negative reinforcement is very strong. People remember your failures. Hell, even you remember your failures better than you remember your success stories.
In your 20s and 30s you have no rules and can do anything.
In your 40s and 50s you have money, you have rules and you have outsourcing.
I believe many rich people are unhappy for one reason: they stop solving problems. Any time some small challenge comes up, they pay for it to be done. They outsource their sense of accomplishment. They use money to make life easy, but it becomes more difficult instead.
– Dan Koe on X.
Restore your sense of achievement
Use your money to make your life challenging and more difficult.
Start solving problems.
Neuroscience teaches us that happiness is not about ease or comfort, but about meaningful, difficult challenges.
By engaging our brain's reward systems, enhancing neural plasticity, promoting flow, and building resilience, difficult tasks trigger complex processes that lead to lasting satisfaction and joy. The harder we work to overcome obstacles, the greater the sense of fulfillment and well-being we experience.
This paradox is rooted in the brain’s reward system and motivation circuits.
1. Dopamine and the Anticipation of Reward:
Dopamine, often referred to as the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, plays a key role not just in pleasure but also in motivation. Interestingly, dopamine levels often spike during the anticipation of a reward, especially when effort or challenge is involved. When we take on difficult tasks or challenges, the brain releases dopamine as we work toward achieving a goal, making the journey itself enjoyable and rewarding. The harder the task, the more dopamine is released, which can contribute to feelings of satisfaction and well-being once the goal is reached.
2. The Role of the Prefrontal Cortex in Goal-Setting:
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for higher-order cognitive functions such as planning, decision-making, and self-control, is highly engaged when we tackle challenges. Neuroscience shows that working toward meaningful and challenging goals activates this area of the brain, leading to increased focus, problem-solving abilities, and a sense of purpose. Completing difficult tasks strengthens this part of the brain, creating a feeling of accomplishment that leads to long-term happiness and fulfillment.
3. Effort Justification and Cognitive Dissonance:
When we work hard to achieve something, the brain assigns greater value to the outcome, leading to more positive emotions. This is a form of cognitive dissonance resolution, where the brain reconciles the effort expended with the belief that the goal was worth it. The greater the challenge, the more we convince ourselves that it was meaningful, which can increase our overall happiness.
4. Neural Plasticity and the Growth Mindset:
Challenges promote neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to form new neural connections and adapt to new situations. When we engage in difficult activities that push us outside our comfort zone, the brain is forced to rewire itself, strengthening areas related to learning, memory, and resilience. This aligns with the "growth mindset," where individuals see challenges as opportunities for development rather than threats. Over time, people with a growth mindset tend to experience higher levels of well-being because they view difficulties as part of a fulfilling process.
5. Endorphins and the "Effortful Joy" of Mastery:
Taking on challenges, especially physical or cognitive ones, often leads to the release of endorphins—neurotransmitters that help relieve pain and generate a sense of euphoria, commonly referred to as the "runner’s high." When we engage in difficult activities that push our physical or mental problem-solving limits we experience a natural endorphin boost. This sense of "effortful joy" contributes to feelings of happiness, especially after completing a challenge.
Eventually - this will lead to “effortless mastery”
6. Flow States and Deep Engagement:
Challenges can also lead us to the experience of "flow," a state of deep immersion and focus where time seems to disappear, and people feel a sense of harmony between their abilities and the difficulty of the task. During flow, the brain’s prefrontal cortex temporarily quiets down (a state known as transient hypofrontality), leading to decreased self-consciousness and increased enjoyment. Flow states are associated with high levels of happiness and satisfaction, as the brain enters an optimal state of engagement and reward.
7. Resilience Building and Stress Management:
Neuroscience also shows that overcoming challenges enhances resilience by rewiring the brain’s response to stress. When we push ourselves to face difficult situations and succeed, the brain strengthens its ability to manage future stressors more effectively. This increased resilience not only helps us cope better with adversity but also fosters a sense of empowerment and confidence, both of which are linked to greater happiness.
8. Purpose and Meaning:
Challenges help activate brain regions related to purpose and meaning, such as the default mode network (DMN), which is engaged when we think about our identity, goals, and future. When we pursue difficult, meaningful tasks, we experience a deep sense of purpose, which is crucial for long-term happiness.
Conclusion
You are unhappy for one reason: you stop solving problems because you pay someone else to solve them for you.
Challenge yourself. Seek the difficulties.
Pay someone to help you take purposeful challenges.
A brain focused on purposeful challenges is more resilient and more likely to produce positive emotional outcomes, compared to one that avoids difficulty.
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