I would bottle up man hugs and prescribe them to the women of the world
Kelli Ahlgrim
“If it was within my power, I would bottle up man hugs and prescribe them to the women of the world.
Allowing each one to relax, put her shields down, trust and allow herself to be protected.
Because one thing that can steady your world real quick is the yummy strong protective embrace of your man.
(and that’s exactly where he wants you to be)”.
Join other smart people who absolutely love my writing today.
👉 If you enjoy reading this post, feel free to share it with friends! Or feel free to click the ❤️ button on this post so more people can discover anti-patterns. 🙏
A profound journey of understanding femininity
This week, I had the privilege and pleasure of interviewing Kelli Ahlgrim. Our interview turned into a profound journey of understanding femininity in today’s society.
The journey to relationship coaching
Danny, Who are you, Kelli Ahlgrim?
Kelli: Born and raised in New Mexico, I've spent my whole life here, except for a short stint in college in Denver. I'm 37 and have worked in veterinary medicine for 17 years. It was something I was really good at, but eventually, I felt like I was meant for more. I see myself as a healer and love solving problems. I felt stuck for many years there and knew there was more, and I found it.
I like to think that my veterinary medicine was a great place holder for what I was meant to actually do. And recently I've gotten the opportunity to focus on my purpose and mission in life and work with people.
I look at it as learning to be skilled at taking care of all creatures, great and small, human and animal alike. And it's just time to put down the veterinary medicine and focus on humans who need some healing and help.
My journey into relationship coaching began when my ex broke up with me after a 14-year relationship.
It was a relationship I thought would last a lifetime, but it didn't work out.
I lost my job due to poor performance related to the emotional turmoil I was experiencing from the loss.
This was during the COVID years.
I lost my house and felt like I was losing family left and right.
At my lowest, I thought something must be seriously wrong with me, to feel discarded by so many people I cared deeply about in such a small amount of time.
I knew there was some kind of truth in that thought, so I went on a very serious mission for myself.
I needed to rebuild my life, who I was, and what I was here for. In my heartbreak and search, I found exactly what I was needing. I started to live life fully, really what felt like for the first time. It was an exhilarating journey.
I was also obese at the time as well, and knew I needed a complete life overhaul.
I found sort of a hero and mentor who coached people with their relationships. He helped me see things I’d never realize on my own, and he helped me uncover and address my insecurities, bad patterns, which were affecting all areas of my life.
With hard work, I lost a lot of weight naturally, just doing the reps, without surgery, and became a different person.
I created something I wanted to be, not what I thought everyone else wanted me to be.
I became a relationship coach focusing on the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies within relationships.
These dynamics are often misunderstood and can affect all aspects of our lives. In my past relationship, I was very masculine, consumed with insecurities, and blind to my codependency on him, which was what led to its downfall.
Understanding and embracing my femininity has been a profound journey.
These dynamics are often not even recognized as a critical component of our relationships with ourselves and with our partners, and if it is recognized, it is often severely misunderstood because our minds work differently as men and women, which is incredibly fascinating and great, but causes great struggle to people that don't understand these.
As a relationship coach, I help people understand these relationship dynamics and work on the things holding the individual back, working with them first, in healing a lot, and building skill sets so that they can improve their relationships in learning how to respect what’s important to each other.
It's a new business, but it's already gaining interest.
So that's me, where I was, and where I am now.
An OBSESSED student
Danny: Kelli, I see the Hero's Journey all the time on social media.
With you, I see something special, a spectacular success.
I'm looking at an attractive, vivacious woman, and very successful at her coaching business. Not overweight.
You went from 0 to 100.
But this took a few years, didn’t it?
Kelli: The weight loss journey was always a problem. I've been trying to lose weight my whole life. It took me probably five years of really digging into it at the end there, but I was losing weight right before I was separated from my ex. It was all unhealthy methods, though.
I joined the relationship coaching group in April. After I lost my job in September, I joked to my coach and mentor about hiring me, and he actually did because he was looking to expand his team and considered me one of his best students. I came a long way very fast. I was an OBSESSED STUDENT. By October, I started coaching clients.
Letting go of being masculine and embracing my femininity was more difficult than the weight loss, which had been a lifelong struggle.
There was so much fear of being able to 'let go'.
This is a deeply troublesome thing to experience for anyone, but for a woman to put down her survival instincts when she is in the middle of a fire storm in life, was freaking hard.
Once I returned to my natural feminine instincts, the momentum built from there.
Play deliciously in my femininity
Danny: Kelli, I've seen some of your videos on Instagram. You are high energy and speak well. As we speak now, I feel a tremendous amount of positive energy from our conversation.
Maybe it's your smile. What was your secret to keeping your smile throughout the tough times?
Kelli: That's a good question. I love that question.
I've been complimented on my smile my whole life, so I think I've always kept that. The thing that kept me moving forward is that I have a very high standard for myself for a growth mindset.
This was interesting to explore while transitioning from being a masculine woman to embracing my femininity.
Now I can be myself, be high standard, and still play deliciously in my femininity.
My brain is wired to think, "It sucks, but it's going to be okay. I will figure it out."
I know I'm a powerful force and will stubbornly reach my goals, whatever they may be.
I now know that we win in life TOGETHER, not alone.
My essence is rooted in hope, and scientific curiosity about what lies ahead.
I consider myself a student of the universe, fascinated by the wonders that can happen. I approach this not in a mystical way, but scientifically. I like to know the truth of things, whether in science or relationships, and use those truths to create more magic. That’s so important. I balance solving problems scientifically and then having fun with the results.
Scientific-based problem solving
Danny: Where did you get your approach to scientifically-based problem solving?
Kelli: That's a good question. Two people come to mind. I had an amazing 8th-grade science teacher. He just taught normal school sciences, but I really liked his outlook on the world, it inspired me, and I was always eager to learn from him. However, I think I got my curiosity from my dad.
My dad also worked in veterinary medicine for most of my life. As a kid, he would engage me in exploring nature, like digging around in the dirt and pointing out bugs, always explaining why things happened the way they did. He instilled in me a sense of wonder and the desire to understand how things work. Even today, he gets excited about new discoveries in his yard, and how things work or break down, just like a little kid. I think I inherited that sense of wonder and the joy of uncovering new things from him.
Danny: That's interesting. And your mother, was she a housewife, or did she work outside the house?
Kelli: My mother was a hard worker, and worked 3 jobs at one point. I undoubtedly learned both my work ethic and how to lean heavily on mostly masculine energy, from her. She tried hard to be nurturing in her own ways but really came up short in that area and I struggled to deeply connect with her, in many ways, for a lot of reasons.
Growing up, I was surrounded by my two brothers and my dad. We were always doing sports and other activities together, so there was no real feminine energy around me in the way that I understand it now.
From that family environment, I learned some negative unhelpful “beliefs” about women—that they were weak, unintelligent, and overly emotional. These beliefs locked me into a masculine role, and I didn't want to be a feminine woman because of what I thought femininity represented. I didn’t understand it like I do now. And I think many people are in that same position right now.
The power of feminine energy
Danny: What happened when you discovered the power of feminine energy?
Kelli: My perspective changed like I got unplugged from the Matrix when I learned the power of femininity.
Femininity is a different kind of power. Completely different from the masculine I knew so well.
Initially, I thought embracing femininity would mean giving up my intelligence and tenacity,
I discovered that wasn't true at all.
Once I embraced my femininity, I found a new, powerful way to be strong and intelligent, but now also way more than I ever was before then. My ability to connect emotionally to people skyrocketed.
The way to be strong is not to compare ourselves to men and their natural talents, of physical strength and logical processing, but in emotional strength and emotional resiliency, not being emotionally frail and rigid, but adaptable.
Being strong internally, while being soft, feminine, and nurturing on the outside. Really feeling free in my feminine.
Women’s insecurities have them compare themselves to men and feel threatened that they are “weaker”.
We have tremendous natural instincts that do not come naturally to men, and that’s where our strength lies.
When we try to “beat men at being men” we are missing the whole point of a strong feminine woman.
The balance of masculine and feminine energies
Danny: I saw a thread on X the other day. A woman, a 20-something, attractive software developer working in crypto making good money, was complaining that the men she met weren't supportive of her independence.
What do you think about this?
Kelli: This doesn't surprise me. It highlights a common issue. This isn't a new problem.
Society has changed, but the dynamics in relationships lag behind.
For successful women, the issue often lies in the balance of masculine and feminine energies.
Men are attracted to women who have it together because it signals self-confidence and uniqueness. Both attractive features.
However, when a woman is in a high-powered, successful role, she could be operating in a highly masculine energy mode, and tends to lean into habits of being controlling, disrespectful and competitive with the men she probably dates. That’s a great recipe for “man repellent”.
Just like with women and femininity, men need to be the right kind of masculine to thrive in relationships.
For men, being able to lead and guide with confidence and compassion, without being aggressive and forceful, or submissive and emasculated.
She will feel that yummy masculine energy he gives off, and her instincts will respond to that leader who protects her. She will find herself responding by becoming more feminine and responding to that natural cooperative state instead of a combative one.
When women in high-performance roles learn to relax and not compete in their personal relationships, they become more attractive to men who are looking for that balance.
We can bond and move mountains with our feminine energy alongside our guys.
Instead of competing, we learn to be a united team instead.
And that takes understanding a lot of things most people are seriously blind to.
2 Categories of men?
Danny: Do men need to be more relaxed in the relationship instead of always pushing? Or do you think that men need to assume a more dominant role?
Kelli: Honestly, for most men today, especially in cultures like those in America, Australia, and parts of Europe, there are 2 main categories of masculinity, as I see it.
Men in the first category don't know how to lead and trust themselves in their masculinity. They lack confidence for a variety of reasons. Many times, it was sacrificed because of the events in his life taking it from him, and he allowed it.
On the other hand, there are men who fall into the "Red Pill" category. These men often were oppressed at some point by controlling women, and they eventually pushed back, sometimes colorfully, leading them to become controlling and dismissive of women and tend to not care or respect women anymore. This can manifest as “toxic” masculinity, where there's much less consideration for what the woman wants or needs, and leading more with aggression style.
A man who is truly confident and relaxed in his masculinity doesn't need to push. When his partner is having a bad day or being disrespectful, he is an emotional rock, and doesn’t allow people to disrespect him, and he inspires her to do better.
When men understand how women operate and vice versa, there's a newfound respect.
This mutual understanding is crucial for healthy relationships.
The process: unwinding negative beliefs and societal pressure
Danny: How long does it take you to take a man from 0 to 100? Can you tell me about the process ?
Kelli: That's a good question. It's a bit hard to answer because it varies greatly.
I have two very different clients, one is young and inexperienced, while the other is older with plenty of experience.
The process delves into their souls, understanding who they want to be, and where they want to go and how to evolve in relationships with women.
It can take longer for some depending on their level of confidence, and traumas and their understanding of relationships.
My program typically lasts four months.
The older man completed the program feeling powerful and strong in himself. Initially, he had a wavering confidence, masking his insecurities and projecting a lot of undesirable behavior that was splashing on his relationship. After four months of internal healing and self-reflection and learning a lot of new skills, he now has a solid foundation to build on, and feels very powerful in himself. It’s a beautiful thing.
The younger man just finished his contract but plans to continue as he is doing very well. He’s continuing his journey of learning more skills, and unwiring himself from a lifelong set of limiting beliefs that controlled his life, and caused him to be isolated. He is an amazing guy.
I love it when the client sees what I see in them.
Once we instill genuine confidence, progress accelerates.
A lot of the work involves unwinding negative beliefs and societal pressures.
The Science of Connection
Danny: How did you learn all of this?
Kelli: I have to give credit where credit is due, to my mentor Andre Santos, the CEO of Science of Connection. It’s a relationship coaching group that helps couples on the verge of separation or divorce. He rescued me from my oblivion once upon a time. And taught me pretty much everything I know in this relationship realm. His team works with one person in the relationship, often the one who was dumped, to understand what went wrong and how to fix it. I went through a similar process after my 14-year relationship ended.
Andre and his team teach people about how relationships work, how to have meaningful conversations, and how to create positive emotional experiences. They also focus on how to take care of others emotionally. Andre is an amazing man and a genius in this field. I'm very fortunate to call him a close friend and often pick his brain.
From there, I branched out into studying communication in depth.
I looked into why people struggle to have enriching, engaging conversations.
Western culture encourages people to mind their own business and not worry about others.
This prevents us from developing the skills to care for others and have deeper connections and conversations.
The key is developing the skills to keep conversations safe and engaging for both.
Great compassion and respect for both sides
Danny: You're doing something very important by bridging two worlds in our society.
You're making a significant contribution because you understand both sides. You speak well, understand quickly, and have a systematic, scientific approach. You've assimilated and systematized a lot of knowledge, and with your killer smile, you can bring people from point A to point B in less than six months to a year.
Kelli: Thank you, I appreciate that. I aim to make a significant contribution and feel I have a unique perspective due to my background.
I believe I have the right mix in me, understanding the pain and biggest struggles of both sides, and being compassionate and empathetic to those struggles. There is no blame game here.
And I love to translate for both.
My journey through both masculinity and femininity has allowed me to explore and understand the nuances and struggles of each.
This journey has given me great compassion and respect for both sides, even when we’re a bunch of knuckleheads with each other.
The mission
Danny: Where do you see this going in society?
Kelli: That's actually the mission.
We want to have a generational impact where men and women really understand and respect the dynamics of the feminine and masculine and evolve together, not apart. Relationships skills need to be understood.
I'm aiming for an evolution in how we approach relationships.
Right now, society is very divided, with movements like feminist movement and red pill groups creating more separation.
I envision a future where we evolve human nature in relationships, moving away from conflict and towards cooperation. We need to recognize that men and women have unique strengths—superpowers—that complement each other. When we stop pointing spears at one another and come together, we unlock immense potential.
I see a world where relationships are built on compassion, empathy, and respect. This shift will lead to less fear and conflict and more problem-solving in a respectful and compassionate manner. It's about human evolution through relationships—whether with your boss, kids, or friends. Healing relationships can lead to healing the world.
When you heal a man, you protect the world.
When you heal a woman, she enriches the world.
We work differently, but have strengths in both, and like a lock and key, when put together we can unlock incredible potential
And I really get behind that because one of the reasons why I started with men is because I truly do believe that men are there to help lead us. I am successful, not just because I am driven and tenacious, but also because of the powerful men in my life.
I attribute a lot of my successes to them being pillars of strength for me when I needed help.
And they delivered. It’s beautiful and so incredible what’s possible when you respect and admire what we do for the other.
And those men are so incredibly happy to be of service and help me, because I show my deep appreciation for their efforts and support they give. It’s so simple, and I want to show the world how to do it too. There can be harmony. Our instincts desire it.
We can do this.
A healed and respected man and woman can be a beacon in their community, inspiring others. Men and women leading together, in different but complementary ways, can solve many of the world's problems.
The family unit
Danny: The family unit is crucial, isn't it?
Kelli: Yeah. The question is, when we come across struggle and strife, how are we going to respond to that? We must continuously hold back the tides of external influences and stay true to who we are as a unit. We're really strong together. The family unit creates a generational impact, as kids learn from their parents.
This generational impact is crucial. I aim to reach as many people as I can, alongside the company I came from, which is ahead of me by seven years and doing really great work. We know we're making an impact now, but the real change will be generational. We won't see the full evolution we're aiming for in our lifetimes.
We need to do it quickly, but do it right, and expand in ways that will outlast us.
By creating strong family units, we form pods that inspire others in the community, and from there, it expands outward.
Danny: That's a beautiful vision. Tell me a bit more about how your male clients rise to the occasion?
Firm in the message and compassionate in the delivery.
Kelli: I've learned that trying to manhandle someone in that vulnerable state never works. It always has to come from a place of compassion and belief in their potential, because humans are absolutely marvelous creatures and we just have to find the map to ourselves to become the treasure we carry within.
It's not about arm wrestling each other to change.
I call it being firm in the message and compassionate in the delivery.
Danny: I like that a lot.
Kelli: People respond to change differently when approached with firmness in the message but compassion in the delivery. If you tell someone they suck and need to change, that's not compassionate, and they won't change, they will be defiant to you. But if you are respectful and guide them compassionately, they are more likely to change.
It’s about leading the family, and being of service to others and building together, and inspiring respect and loyalty which builds the deep bonds with family that many men search their whole lives, but struggle ever finding. This is because of how he ‘leads’.
This is tough in today's world, there can be a lot against them, and it requires a lot of troubleshooting. The environment changes significantly when a man transforms from what he used to be into something stronger. He gains new friends who support him, changes things in his environment, and creates an atmosphere that aligns with his values. The environment is crucial in shaping where we are and where we go.
I call this a standard operating procedure for their code of ethics. It’s adaptable to the environment when needed but always allows them to return to their core principles.
This allows them to lean into their masculinity in a logical way for the environment and use it as the amazing tool it is.
Will it happen? Will you change the world?
Danny: So this is where you're going. Will it happen?
Kelli: Hell, yeah. It happens every day.
Danny: Good, and you're making it happen for a lot of people.
Kelli: Yeah, more and more all the time. We're planning an event in the next couple of months or so, I want to help spread the word responsibly. Whoever needs it, it’s here. For me it's about people and relationships, so we need to do it responsibly. People’s lives count on this stuff.
Danny: That's amazing Kelli, you are amazing. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me!
You can find Kelli on her web site -
https://www.levelupyourlow.org/
and on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/kelliahlgrim/
About Andre Santos
Andre Santos is the founder of "The Science of Connection," a program designed to help individuals rebuild their relationships, particularly marriages, even in challenging circumstances. The program focuses on psychological triggers and neuro-mapping techniques to address various relationship issues.
Andre Santos leverages his background in intelligence and psychology to help clients navigate complex emotional dynamics within their relationships. His approach is tailored to individual needs, recognizing that different partners have unique personalities, emotional needs, and communication styles.
"The Science of Connection" offers a range of features, including:
- 6 Week Reconnect Challenge: A guided process with daily videos to support relationship rebuilding.
- Soul Matrix Blueprint: Tools to understand and address a spouse's personality and emotional needs.
- Quantum Healing: Techniques to heal personal emotional wounds quickly.
- The Wilted Cabbage: Strategies to end affairs and safeguard the relationship against future infidelity.
- Text Master: Guidance on effective communication through texting.
- Weekly Q&A Sessions: Access to expert coaches for personalized support.