Liberate yourself from difficult people
A system for personal peace and quiet
This week’s newsletter is about freedom: freedom from the stress of dealing with difficult people.
It’s Tuesday - Day 18 of the war with Hamas.
I’m volunteering in the physiotherapy clinic in Modiin.
Their 2 office admins have not come to work since October 7.
No indication when they’ll return.
I jumped in 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been there ever since, 8-14 every day. I schedule patients for visits, cancel visits, talk to them, take calls and use the Clalit patient scheduling system.
The HMO software is an anthropological experience and a topic for another newsletter. The software is but only a side effect to the beauty of working with people.
We see all kinds of people.
Cool people. Very not cool people. Almost all are very grateful.
The oldest is 96. The youngest is 8.
The physiotherapists are very patient. They put everything aside and just start working with the patient with a smile. I see this beauty of working with the physical body and helping people overcome pain and limitations.
I have developed a system for dealing with difficult people.
Today a guy calls up and says that he was unable to get into the building.
To be clear, the Physiotherapy clinic is on the 3rd floor above a shopping mall.
We had 80 patients today, and everyone figured it out, except this guy.
I keep on asking him "How can I help you?" and he keeps on ranting on how all the shopping mall gates were closed and he missed his f-g appointment for PT.
I wanted to say: “Grow up man - what is this? the dog ate your homework?"
But, I did not.
So, I listened and kept on asking him - “How can I help you?”.
Finally he asks - "Is Ruthie there?"
(Ruthie is one of the regular office secretaries who is not coming in during the war - maybe she's afraid of missiles and feels safer staying at home, I’ve never met Ruthie, and may probably never meet her).
I say for the 10th time - "How can I help you?"
He says - "You tell Ruthie, that I need to talk to her about this problem".
I said - "With, pleasure, when I see Ruthie, I'll pass on the message".
What a loser.
How much would you give me for a system to deal with difficult people?
James Clear, in his book "Atomic Habits", emphasized the importance of systems over goals. He introduced several key ideas related to systems:
Goals vs. Systems: Clear differentiates between goals (learning how to deal with difficult patients) and systems (the processes that lead to that result). He argues that focusing on your systems is more important than fixating on your goals. For instance, if you're a writer, your goal might be to write a book, but your system is the schedule you follow each day to write, the environment you set up for writing. The same goes for a system for dealing with difficult people.
Problems with a Goal-Centric Mindset: According to Clear, goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress. He notes that goals can sometimes create an "either-or" mentality, where you're either a success for hitting your goal or a failure for missing it. This can lead to short-term thinking and discourage you from making long-term progress.
The Value of Habits and Systems: Clear suggests that if you focus on building good habits and refining your systems, you'll naturally make progress towards your goals. One of his well-known quotes is, "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems."
Identity and Systems: One of the key concepts in "Atomic Habits" is the idea of aligning habits with your desired identity. Rather than starting with the outcome you want, start with the identity you want to adopt, and then build the systems and habits that reinforce that identity.
Consistency Over Time: Clear emphasizes that small improvements, when compounded over time, can lead to significant results. It's not about making huge changes overnight but about implementing small, consistent habits that, over time, lead to big outcomes. This concept aligns with the idea that refining and sticking to your systems, even in small ways, can produce significant long-term results.
Clear's focus on systems in "Atomic Habits" is about the importance of daily practices, habits, and routines, which, when optimized and consistent, can lead to the achievement of bigger goals.
It's a call to shift focus from merely what we want to achieve (the outcome) to how we can achieve it (the processes).
Sources of stress when dealing with difficult people
When you’re providing front-line customer service there are 3 sources of stress:
Fear - if you’re afraid of bullies and abusive people, they will detect it immediately. It’s like how dogs smell fear I guess, although maybe that’s a bad thing to say.
Triggers - Maybe you are not afraid of bullies, but a patient can say something out-of-the-blue, that triggers a fight-flight response. You may think in your mind - “I’d really like to punch this person”. Hopefully you don’t. For extreme cases, the physiotherapy clinic has panic buttons and a security guard that can be called in.
Projection - We tend to project our insecurities, fears, and beliefs onto others. Projection is a defense mechanism where we attribute characteristics we don’t like in ourselves to another person. For example, if we are insecure, we may think that the abusive patient is looking down on us.
A system for dealing with difficult people
I’ll write this out like a computer algorithm.
Step 1: Separate the person from the problem. If you’re frustrated with the patient for being an idiot — you cannot solve their problem effectively. You have to detach and go up to 20,000'. So how does that work? “Fundamental Attribution Error” is a specific type of attribution bias. Fundamental Attribution Error is our (erroneous) tendency to assume that a person’s actions are primarily influenced by their character or personality traits. We assume (wrongly) that their behavior, on the other hand, is driven by the situation. In fact, a person's actions belong to their problem and their behavior belongs to them.
Step 2: Separate the problem (actions) from the person (behaviors). A patient has their own internal drama, personal life, pressures, goals and interactions which have absolutely nothing to do with navigating through the shopping mall to the third floor offices.
Step 3: Don’t judge. Solve their problem. People and Israelis in particular, can be very judgmental. The good thing to learn from Israelis is problem solving in the face of adversity. Israelis are great at being judgmental, creating problems and then solving them creatively.
Step 4: Remember that your patients/customers' personal drama is their own. Not yours. Their drama has nothing to do with you.
Practice the system. Like any system, this requires practice. You can practice the 4 part system anywhere - with anyone - any time.
I’ve been very fortunate to have the opportunity to practice the system in the physiotherapy clinic every day. I hope this makes a little bit better person.
To quote Scott Belsky —
“Stay humble, don’t judge, and focus on beating yourself at your own game”